@kidnapped_jesus

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

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@RodLacroix

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

@Tmoney68

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

@LindaInDisguise

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

@ShellHasDragons

Me: I’ve decided to start a salon from home.
Also me: Hair just everywhere

@moooooog35

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

@nappydolemite

Life is short. Hug your children. Hug your neighbor’s children. Hug the pretty cashier at the dry cleaner. Hug the arresting officer.

@QwertyJones3

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

@TheAlexNevil

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

@GianDoh

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.