We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
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The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.