“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
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Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
not seeing the problem
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Worth the read.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.