“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
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That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police