“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
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shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.