Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?