“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
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9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
only 11 steps left
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”