“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
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I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
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Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.