“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
You Might Also Like
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
next level snooze
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.