We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I鈥檒l have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he鈥檚 bullied by an astrologist
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that鈥檚 my coffee thermos you moron…
he looks great for his age
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Our power went out and it鈥檚 utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I鈥檓 amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn鈥檛 even wearing underwear before I went out
[at a dance]
HER: why don鈥檛 you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
The Internet wins again..馃憞馃憞馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃憦馃憦
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
A ghost story
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Flowers for Valentine鈥檚 Day are cool鈥ut what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn鈥檛 smell me.
Me: Yes.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids