We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
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Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
smh
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot