Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

My circle of trust is a meatball

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?