We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
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A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.