Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

applying for a new job

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang