Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?