We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
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me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
