We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
This one’s “Alex”.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Feel. He’s so soft.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*