We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Made something I’m not proud of
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.