We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

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My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.


Don’t ever leave a bag of mini Heath bars at your desk to prove you can’t be tempted….

Because Satan’s game is strong


cop: stop you’re breaking the law

me: [floating in mid air] i hate newton’s laws


Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade


Card is declined.
Waiter in a very loud voice:”Excuse me ma, ur card was declined” a few heads turn.
Me:I jst used d card. Pls try again”
Waiter tries again. Payment goes thru
Me: “pls maintain d energy.Say it loud dt my card was accepted”. A few heads turn again. I’m satisfied


Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.



God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes


teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]


“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.