My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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Don’t ever leave a bag of mini Heath bars at your desk to prove you can’t be tempted….
Because Satan’s game is strong
cop: stop you’re breaking the law
me: [floating in mid air] i hate newton’s laws
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I don’t hate you because you’re beautiful…
Card is declined.
Waiter in a very loud voice:”Excuse me ma, ur card was declined” a few heads turn.
Me:I jst used d card. Pls try again”
Waiter tries again. Payment goes thru
Me: “pls maintain d energy.Say it loud dt my card was accepted”. A few heads turn again. I’m satisfied
Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
[opens hawk cage]
RELEASE THE BEES
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.