@GrantTanaka

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

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@NurseSeymour

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

@Ristolable

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

@theshantilly

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

@HeyZeus666

Intellectual.

A man who can explain electricity but doesn’t know how to screw in a light bulb.

@GrillinChillin9

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

@RadOrDie

I wouldn’t mind getting arrested today because I’m having a great hair day and my mug shot would be fabulous.

@dreamthievin

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

@TheHyyyype

ME: is there a doctor on this flight??

GUY: i’m a doctor

ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy

@MisterBombay

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

@daddydoubts

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.