We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!