I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Me: Go ahead.
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
A man who can explain electricity but doesn’t know how to screw in a light bulb.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom
Why do they even asks such dumb questions?
I wouldn’t mind getting arrested today because I’m having a great hair day and my mug shot would be fabulous.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
ME: is there a doctor on this flight??
GUY: i’m a doctor
ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.