We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

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I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.


It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.


Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.



A man who can explain electricity but doesn’t know how to screw in a light bulb.


Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?


I wouldn’t mind getting arrested today because I’m having a great hair day and my mug shot would be fabulous.


A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox


ME: is there a doctor on this flight??

GUY: i’m a doctor

ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy


You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?


My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.