We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
🇺🇸🤭
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving