If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
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I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on