We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
i- i did not expect this
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring