We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.