@ibid78

“We should see other people”
PIGEON: coo
“It’s not u it’s me”
– coo
“I’m breaking up w/ u”
– coo
“I’m sleeping w/ ur brother”
– not coo

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@jonnysun

dont be sad, girl. u are like a iceberg.. 90% of ur beauty is below the surface. now 95%. now 100% OMG GIRL ARE YOU DROWNIMG

@JPLFR80

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

@1_swarthy_dude

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

@WilliamAder

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

@bonehugsnirony

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

@jonnysun

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

@SufficientCharm

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

@GrantTanaka

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

@shutupmikeginn

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

@CauseWereGuys

Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?” She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.