[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
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The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
It’s actually Dr. whatever