Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs