we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
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[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
“You drive, I’m tired.”
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told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
cat vs inanimate object
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
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I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.