Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

This is sending me to another galaxy

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Did my cat write this

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.