Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.