Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross