Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

😁

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.