We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
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This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
notice
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..