We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
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A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
You can’t rush stupid.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
A friend helps you before you need it
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner