We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
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I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.