We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
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if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
lmao
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die