We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
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*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Getting married soon just need a spouse
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”