Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

lol

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

My ideal weight is five million dollars

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.