We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
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A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
That’s classic.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.