We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

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Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.


16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*


*cape flaps in the wind*

Me: Are you ready to defend freedom for another day, Captain K?

Mom: Quit blocking the fan and put the cat down.


husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it


Any fountain can be a Fountain of Youth if filled with champagne and you’ve had 5 glasses.


A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.


“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets


Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don’t think I’m beating her.


Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest