Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
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16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
*cape flaps in the wind*
Me: Are you ready to defend freedom for another day, Captain K?
Mom: Quit blocking the fan and put the cat down.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Any fountain can be a Fountain of Youth if filled with champagne and you’ve had 5 glasses.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don’t think I’m beating her.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest