Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

¯_(ツ)_/¯

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.