We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
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Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
i will not be silenced
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
how to have an accident 101
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
You got this…
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
I am yelling
