We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
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Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
be careful
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
All is fair in drunk and war.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.