We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
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If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?