Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

due date

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.