we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
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“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.