we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
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Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
The Assassin.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.