we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
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I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
WHO DID THIS?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird