we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
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I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
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I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
When you’ve simply given up.
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If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
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Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today