we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
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Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
rip to my favourite tweet
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good