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doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.