Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

Tuesday

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

Stick it to the man

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger