we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
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Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.