Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries