Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
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I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”