Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

I didn’t know they can drive…

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.