“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
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my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
nobody’s gonna understand
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.