We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
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3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
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It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
u spoke cat all this time??????
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
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