We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
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LOL
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
🍞🦆
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.