We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
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We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
“I’m helping” 😅
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
time for some seasonal decor
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Passwords are more important than ever.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
lol
I want this so bad
