We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
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Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?