we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
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My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?