Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a mad scientist, put a note in your laboratory reminding you to sometimes be a happy scientist.

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

🌲😼

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves

Gets tackled by 15 rats instead

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.