we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
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Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.