we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
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I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Roombas should bark
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.