We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
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I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.