We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
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(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
He’s cranky this morning
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Seems legit
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.