We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
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My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
#Caturday
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Pleading insanity in small claims court