We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
You Might Also Like
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Thank heavens for community notes
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
My safe word is Worcestershire
Salad is the decaf of food.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.