we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
nyc:
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
