We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
You Might Also Like
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.