We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
You Might Also Like
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
3% human
97% stress
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.