We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
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I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform