You Might Also Like
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON