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Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
She might be a genius
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
