We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
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Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
guys I’m going home
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?