We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
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“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
That earthquake could have been an email.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Tier 3 meme
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
courtroom exchange of the day
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game