We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
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Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?
No, I don’t think I will.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
