Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

“Sheer Arrogance”