Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

weaknesses

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

ㅤㅤ

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

Follow me for more life hacks.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit