“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
You Might Also Like
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”