“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.