Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.

Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.